5, July 2017

I am addicted to him like one does to a drug. I always knew he will be the end of me, and he did turn out to be so. I love him to a point of insanity. I am addicted to him, his presence, scent, voice and being. I gave him so much more than he deserves. I gave him all of me and he just threw it all away. I had wrapped all my rotten pieces up in beautiful wrappers and he didn’t even care to open them all. He was just not into me while I had already drowned in his shadow.

He falls in love every morning with a new girl while I fall all over in love with him again. But it’s a love-hate relationship. I love him and hate myself for loving him.

So here I am with a huge stone burdening my heart down. The web of his lies has entrapped my lungs, squeezing them to a point of suffocation. I am wearing a new dress in which I think look pretty, but all I can think of is that she was prettier, she was what he wanted even when he was all I wanted.

Is there a heal for heartbreak? Heal for the way each cell in my body is surrendering to anxiety, a cure for the panic attacks that have just fallen in love with me since he has left since he betrayed me with all those girls. He was a player, love is a game and he played it far too well with me. He threw me on the board after dicing me in his palm and I always landed on his court.

Living is so much more difficult than anyone will ever tell you. It’s a job, and sometimes you are just not happy with it especially when it exploits you, uses you; when it doesn’t even pay you. And during times like this, all you want to do is quit it. You don’t quit it because there is something other than it waiting for it, you quit because you are just tired of it. I don’t particularly like death but I have an underlying hatred for life.

So all that I do is put on this dark lipstick on my pale lips, blush on my colourless cheeks and WAIT UPON THE LORD. Not just because I don’t have anything else to do, but because I know that if I call on him, he will always pick up on my prayers. He has healed me once before and he can do it now too. His love is unconditional and pure, and I can use some of it right now. It’s only during moments like this that I go to him. I hate myself for it. But then this makes me realize the importance of having a belief system. Humans are terribly weak and spineless, we need something to hold on to. Something supernatural, something more than just us and our lives.

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